I recently got sucked into a Facebook post that lamented the use of a chocolate cross in an Easter candy! The morality of using a chocolate cross to symbolize Easter was being questioned! I don’t know…maybe it was the fact that someone was profiting from the use of the cross….BUT here is my take……

We as a society are raising a generation of children, where the majority don’t have a clue what Easter or Christmas really means!

Easter ain’t about no stupid bunny or chick, nor is Christmas about Santa Clause or his drug addicted reindeer!

Every year it seems like there are less & less references to Jesus during the holidays! There is virtually NO reference during Easter!

To me, this sounds ridiculous! It’s like celebrating MY birthday, without ever even acknowledging ME!

Try going to a store and buying a nativity scene! Maybe this is easier in the South, but I swear, I could not find one, my family in Georgia had to ship me one!

So my point is, for a Christian to complain about a cross being made of chocolate is ridiculous! We need more “symbols” of Christ! I don’t care what they are made of….get those symbols out there!

Tell people what Easter & Christmas are about! Maybe if Christians could get together and focus on the promotion of the SIMPLE Gospel we could not only stop the Secularization of the holidays, but maybe they could even stop the secularization of America!

CHRISTIANS NEED TO HIRE A MARKETING MANAGER!

BAM!

Jen & I have both been home pretty much then entire time, with all the drama with the baby! It has been both stressful and great at the same time! Anyway, i just wanted to bring everyone up to date, as I know a lot of you dont follow our family like the sitcom that we really are!

So all that being said here are the:
TOP 10 THINGS I WILL MISS FROM UNEMPLOYMENT!!

10 – MLB NETWORK! 24 hours of baseball programming! This has been particularly awesome with Preseason Baseball!

9 – The Dan Patrick Show! I’m gonna miss you Danny! Not really, I’m gonna DVR ya! This is a great show! Its 3 hours long, and Jen loved it to! We would sit in bed and drink our coffee and laugh! It beats the SHIT outta watching all the negativity on the morning shows or crappy news!

8 – Tosh.0 reruns! The absolute FUNNIEST SHOW on television! Be prepared to be shocked & offended! You gotta DVR it!

7 – Drinking beer/rum anytime of the day I wanted! That’s always great! And it makes watching Yo Gabba Gabba so much funnier!

6 – Weekly shower, shave, & toothbrushing sessions! How great was
that? It wasn’t necessary! I could just let the smell or the itch dictate my grooming habits!

5 – Spending ALL day in either my underwear or my bathrobe! This was great, too! I used to see Hugh Hefner and think, “who does that?” But I have seen the light! It’s awesome! I would try to get Jen to call me Hugh! I even tried to get her to get a friend come over, and let me be Charlie Sheen, and they could be the Goddesses! That never happened, but it woulda been great!

4 – Spending time with the kids was great too! We had a lot of fun! I know you all will be shocked, I’m pretty immature, and loved playing with them, and teaching them how to mix a Cap’n & Coke!

3 – Laughing with my wife! She has the greatest laugh! And the best sense of humor! Obviously, she has to have a great sense of humor to put up with my smart ass being home for 17 months!

2 – Morning ummmmm, well, flag flying! See my previous blogs if you don’t know what I’m talking about!

1 – Watching my wife fold clothes, vacuum, dust, etc… There is absolutely NOTHING sexier than a woman cleaning up after a man! I would take clothes out of the closet and throw them on the ground just so she would have things to wash and fold! She would yell at me, “you haven’t worn clothes in a week, how do you have dirty
clothes!” I would just shrug my shoulders and smile!

There you have it……sigh…..well, it’s time to start preparing myself to re-enter society! I hope I remember how to act!

The same year the Empire State Building was completed!
In 80 years it is amazing the changes America has seen! And Big D was there for them! Let’s check it out……..

In 1931……
Average new house cost $6,790
Average yearly income $1,875
Gas .10 a gallon
Average rent $18

The Star Spangled Banner became the National Anthem!
There are more women in the U.S. Today (150+Million) than ENTIRE U.S. population in 1931 (122 Million)!!!

Al Capone was convicted of tax evasion!
NEVADA LEGALIZED GAMBLING!!! OMG!!!

The V8 was the hot new engine, and Ford discontinued the Model A

Medical Authorities LOVED Phillip Morris Company!!!

I love this!! It is actually from early 40s but awesome!!

And if you know me at all….you cant leave out this ad!!

WOW!!! 1931 was a good year!!! Glad you made it Big D!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

SHE’s CRAZY!!

One of the tremendous benefits of the Internet is that you can shop at home!! It is much more convenient, and……..quicker??

With the birth of our little Murphie, comes one of the wonderful opportunities that all of you women love…..the chance to purchase birth announcements!!!

With the Internet, it is so EASY! You can pick from THOUSANDS of different designs, and you can participate in the design by selecting from THOUSANDS of photos that have already been taken of your brand new addition!

This Internet is FANTASTIC…..unless you have OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER!!!

Jen has been on the computer since first thing this morning working on these, which would be perfectly okay with me except for one small detail…….MY INPUT IS NECESSARY!!

I am sorry! I DO NOT CARE!! They are all pretty, pick one by 9 a.m. And let’s be done!

I know, all of you think Jen is just WONDERFUL!! And I am the luckiest guy I the world! And you are absolutely correct!!! Jen saved my life! She makes me a better person! She makes me laugh, and is the PERFECT wife for me!! HOWEVER……

She has come a LONG way since we first got married! The days are long gone where we stood in the sock department for hours trying to pick out socks for Riley when he was just a year old! She would get just as frustrated at me because I could not grasp the importance of choosing just the right sock!

Now these instances come more and more infrequently, which is a HUGE blessing, because we have discovered that this “disorder” is a genetic trait! While Jen has learned to manage her craziness, Addison is in the midst of FULL BLOWN OCD!!

Apparently, no one on the planet knows the proper way to put socks on Addie, except ME!! I guess Jen never learned the proper way to stretch them out, or position them over the toes properly!?!?

She is 4 years old and has to have “tag less” panties or she is going commando! Her sandwich must be cut the proper way, which happens to change from one sandwich to another! This obviously adds to the difficulty in remaining calm! You would think, that being a recovering OCD sufferer, Jen would be more understanding than me, NOT TRUE! Sometimes it’s like gas on a fire!!

Now you can see why I have title this blog JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE, and included the subtitle “a family in chaos!” Because our life and our family….we are ALL CRAZY! It is always CHAOS!

AND IT ALWAYS WORKS FOR US!! I LOVE MY CRAZY LIFE!!

BUT PLEASE….IF THERE ARE ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WHO HAVE BEEN SHOPPING WITH MY WIFE, PLEASE COMMENT ON YOUR EXPERIENCES, SO THAT IF I TURN UP DEAD, THE COPS WILL HAVE SOME ADDITIONAL EVIDENCE THAT MY WIFE DID IT!!

I have come to the realization, that most of your marriages are REALLY screwed up!!!

I just read this, and it startled me…..and then it made think more about each of you and your marriages!!

According to research, up to 20% of marriages are SEXLESS! Yes, that means WITHOUT SEX!

DISTURBING!!!! That is over 40 MILLION marriages! Out of 10 of your married friends…..2 of those couples are not having sex!

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE! Hmmmmmmm……I wonder who you are!!??

There are even BLOGs dedicated to how to cope with a sexless marriage! If you are interested, let me know, I will send you the address!

In my utter shock in discovering this info, I have done a little research. I can assure you when I say “little” research, I mean VERY LITTLE!

NUMERO UNO reason people have sexless marriages………BOREDOM!!!! WTF???

I AM DUMBFOUNDED!!!

It seems to me that sex is the CURE for boredom in a marriage, not the BY PRODUCT!!

I KNOW…..THOSE OF YOU IN THE 20% HAVE CONTINUED TO READ THIS IN HOPES THAT I WOULD GIVE YOU SOME SELF HELP TIPS…..

BUT I GOT NOTHING!!!!

The only thing I can think to tell you, especially you young couples, is go out to your local FREAK SHOP, and buy yourself a FREAK FLAG!! And maybe one of those Rabbit things!!!

My kids make me laugh everyday…the little kids just say & do stuff without even knowing it….but my 14 year old just has that warped sense that Jen & I have….thank God, or he would really be embarrassed!!

They all have their cute little things they say that you wanna write down in that journal, you know, the one you always talk about starting but never do!!

Like Addison telling me that her “zucchini” still fits!!

Or Cooper trying to take a way my “Hellphone”, which Jen thinks is prophetic!

But my favorites are the ones that are really funny, but not quite as cute….

My kids are VERY competitive…about EVERYTHING!!! One of those endearing traits they get from their MOTHER!!! So they have to be first at everything, especially Addie Cake!! She is always letting everyone know that she beat you, and she has taught that lesson well to the innocent little 2 year old, who stood triumphantly at the top of the stairs, hands in the air, and proudly proclaims, “I beat you Addie, your a LOSER!!”

Or Addie trying to get Cooper to quit teasing her, “Cooper, daddy’s gonna beat your ASS!!” AGAIN, obviously this is the influence of their MOTHER…she is a serious potty mouth! I have voiced my concerns to her countless times… she has GOT to watch what she says in front of these children!!!

One of my favorites was when Riley was about 5 years old, Jen took him Christmas shopping in Nordstroms. During Christmastime, Nordstroms had a karoke machine set up for a demo. While Jen shopped, Riley picked up the mic, and with the volume maxed out, starting singing, “I did it all for the NOOKIE, yeah, the NOOKIE….” Yep, you got it…Mom loved Limp Bizket!!! And obviously, let my boy rock out in the car!!!

I just don’t know about what kind of influence she is on my children, Im thinking of calling Dr. Phil!!!

Not like I’ve never heard of foot fetishes, or other bizarre behavior, but……I’m really kind of freaked out about it! I like to think of myself as open minded, and quite honestly, I’m not afraid to fly my freak flag now and then! But I just don’t get the foot fetish thing!

So, I can see Rex Ryan and his wife walking thru the airport, she starts freaking out on him, “I saw you looking at that lady’s feet! Is that what you like? Long toes? Big bunions?”

Erin Andrews is interviewing Rex after a game, she catches Rex checking out her toes! “Excuse me Mr! Up HERE!

TIP for Erin & Jenn Brown….NO open toed shoes when covering the Jets game!!

Have you seen the video of (allegedly) his wife & his voice on Twitter? I don’t know? Maybe I’m just being to judgmental….I mean I always have noticed collarbones! I think that’s an attractive feature, But I want to make it perfectly clear…..I’ve never LICKED one!

Feet? Really? If you wear sandals, they are filthy! I’ve even peed on my own feet…granted I was drunk, but still!!! If you have worn shoes all day, they got sock fuzz all up in ‘em, and smell like spoiled sour cream! How can that possibly be considered sexy!

I will say, that it was extremely REFRESHING to see that Rex was into his wife’s feet after all those years! He wasn’t out there molesting some 22 year old foot! Or texting foot pictures to some “massage therapist”!

So Rex, if you keep it at home….you fly that freak flag, brother!

My wife is at the hospital, and I walked into the bedroom and Sex in the City is on…..I didn’t change the channel!! I didn’t even realize what I was doing until the SECOND episode!!!

What MAN does that? I mean what SINGLE man does that?? Single
men don’t watch that crap… I don’t care how many sex scenes are in it! Have you ever seen a single man at Bed Bath & Beyond?
HELLLL NO! The things we do as married men is mind boggling! If
you are a married man, try to think back…really? Holding her
purse???? Please!!

I wasn’t even a metrosexual, for Christ sake! I’ve gone with Jen to get a freaking PEDICURE! WTF!! What the he’ll happened! I didn’t plan this! This isn’t the way things were supposed to turn out!

What is next? Will I be watching Chelsea Lately alone? Oprah? I’m really scared! Can I recover from this? I don’t want to be walking around with a silver dollar!! (only a select few of you will get the silver dollar joke!! LOL!!!)

That’s it! I’m going downstairs right now and pouring myself a shot of Jack Daniels! Well, maybe a vodka cranberry! F@*k I did it again! Definitely Jack Daniels!!!

I’m going to a strip club this weekend! Gotta find my manhood! Anyone coming???

The truth is, obviously, he’s not stupid, he’s a teenager….which is often mistaken for stupid! All of you have been there, but your mind allows you to block out most of your moronic episodes, or at least put them in a closet somewhere behind your Medulla Oblongata!

However, every time he walks back in the room, with that priceless blank look on his face, tail between his legs, and asks “what did you tell me to do again?” I can’t resist the opportunity….”Hold on Ry, I will draw you a picture!”

I swear to God! I have asked him to go upstairs and grab a diaper, and he has come back with a box of wipes or a roll of toilet paper!
Sometimes he will get upstairs, then yell down, “what was I gettin again?”

Sometimes he ALMOST gets the whole task completed, which is a miracle if the task has multiple steps. Once, Jen asked him to clean the kitchen, including the dishes! He did a great job, he remembered ALMOST every step. When he was done, he asked “did I do
everything” Jen said yes, except for one more thing…he stood in front of the sink for 10 minutes before he realized that he had left
the water running in the sink!

He is so funny! I’m really gonna miss the laughs when he is no longer a stupid teenager, thank God I have more entertainment coming! More teenagers are on the horizon, and I can already tell Addison is gonna be HILARIOUS!!!

SPRING REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!!

SPRING IS THE REBIRTH OF THE FLOWERS THAT BRING COLOR TO OUR DAYS.

SPRING BRINGS THE GREEN TO THE GRASS, AND THE THE SMELL OF THE FRESH CUT YARD!

SPRING BRINGS PROCREATION TO THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, AND ANYTHING THAT ENCOURAGES PROCREATION, MUST BE GOOD!!

AND OF COURSE, SPRING BRINGS THE SOUNDS AND SMELLS OF THE BALLPARKS!

FRIENDS AND FAMILY CHATING &  LAUGHING, CHILDREN PLAYING, FANS SCREAMING, THE CRACK OF THE BAT, THE BARK OF THE VENDORS, THE SMELL OF ROASTED PEANUTS & HOTDOGS, & ICE COLD BEER!!!

SO THE RECIPE FOR SUCCESS CAN BE FOUND IN BASEBALL!

IT IS A SIMPLE RECIPE, WITH VIRTUALLY ONE INGREDIENT!

AND IT IS SIMPLE TO FOLLOW

BUT YOU MUST CHOOSE WISELY WHERE YOU WISH YOUR SUCCESS TO OCCUR…

BECAUSE TO FOLLOW THIS RECIPE, IS TO SACRIFICE!

IT’S TRUE, SUCCESS IS LIKE THAT CRAP WE LEARNED IN 8TH GRADE SCIENCE, EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION. I’M SURE THERE IS A NAME FOR THIS, BUT HONESTLY, I’M FREAKIN 45 YEARS OLD TODAY, AND I WAS PROBABLY ASLEEP IN 8TH GRADE SCIENCE, SO I DON’T HAVE A CLUE WHAT IT WAS CALLED…

ANYWAY, TO OBTAIN THE RECIPE FOR SUCCESS, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SPEND A BRIEF AMOUNT OF TIME RESEARCHING THE CAREER OF MR. PETE ROSE!!!

PETE ONCE SAID, IF HE WAS AT THE PLATE, DOWN BY ONE RUN WITH BASES LOADED, HE HAD THE SAME DESIRE TO GET A HIT, AS HE DID IF THEY WERE UP BY 10 RUNS IN THE TOP OF THE 9TH.

PETE ROSE WAS SINGLE MINDED

HE WANTED TO HIT THE BALL

NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION! IT DIDN’T MATTER IF THE GAME WAS ON THE LINE OR NOT….WINNING THE GAME WAS SECONDARY, WINNING THE BATTLE WAS ESSENTIAL.

OF COURSE, PETE WANTED TO WIN EVERY GAME, HE ONCE SAID “Somebody’s gotta win and somebody’s gotta lose and I believe in letting the other guy lose. “

BUT WINNING THE GAME WAS NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT TO HIM AS HOW HE PLAYED.

EVERYTHING ELSE FELL TO THE WAYSIDE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, RELATIONSHIPS. NONE OF THESE WERE AS IMPORTANT AS HOW HE PLAYED BASEBALL.

IN MY OPINION, PETE ROSE IS A SELF ABSORBED, ASSHOLE, WHO IS WRAPPED UP IN HIS OWN IMPORTANCE.

BUT DAMN, HE COULD PLAY BALL! BEST PLAYER IN MY LIFETIME, NOT BECAUSE OF HIS SKILL, BECAUSE OF HIS DESIRE!

4,256 CAREER HITS!

DEREK JETER WOULD HAVE TO HAVE HIS BEST SEASON, EVERY YEAR FOR ANOTHER 7 YEARS TO GET CLOSE!

PUT THE JERK IN THE HALL OF FAME, IT’S NOT LIKE HE WOULD BE THE ONLY JERK THERE!!

ANYWAY, SO THERE YOU HAVE IT…SINGLE MINDEDNESS!

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THAT KIND OF SACRIFICE?

MOST ARE NOT!!

THAT IS WHY IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO CHOOSE WHERE YOU WANT TO SUCCEED…

I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU HAVE TO BE A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE TO SUCCEED AT ONE THING…I AM SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED TO BE A FAILURE IN EVERYTHING ELSE.

YOU MUST BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE ALL OF THOSE OTHER THINGS.

I KNOW…YOU ARE WONDERING WHAT QUALIFIES ME TO GIVE SUCCESS ADVICE?

I HAVE CHOSEN WHERE I WANT MY SUCCESS TO OCCUR…

I HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THE PETE ROSE TO MY WIFE AND KIDS!!

I AM PREPARED TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING ELSE….

AND IF ANY OF THESE LITTLE HELLIONS SURVIVE TO ADULTHOOD, THEY ARE GONNA MAKE GREAT PEOPLE!!

KEEP READING….THERE IS A POINT TO THIS!!!

I have NEVER watched or been even the slightest bit interested in any of these types of shows!

No Bachelor, Bachlorette, DWS, Greatest Race, Survivor, Dance Your Fat Ass Off!

NOTHING!!

HOWEVER…

I was flipping the channels, as any good man does, and I paused just briefly enough to see who the contestants were…BAM!

Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews, and Nicole Whocareswhatherlastname is! (she’s a Pussycat Doll!!)

Of course, being a product of the 80′s, as well as having a strong affinity to anything “trashy”, “trailerparky”, etc… Pamela is an Icon!!

I know…she’s old, slutty, and dumber than a soup sandwich, but come on, she is the inspiration for the “Trucker Girl” on mudflaps all over the world!

The NBA uses Jerry West’s siloutte in their logo…if the 80′s had a siloutte, it would be Pam!!

Then Erin Andrews!! Sports Reporter!!!  She’s classy, refined, educated, well spoken, AND SHE’S INTO SPORTS!!

Erin is the perfect woman to take home to MOM!! While Pam is just perfect one to take home from the BAR!!

And last is Nicole…I really have no idea what her last name is…they even wrote it across the screen! But all I really need to say is…She is the Pussycat Dolls girl!

SO ANYWAY, WHILE I GOT SUCKERED INTO WATCHING THE WHOLE SHOW!! (OF COURSE, PAMELA WAS LAST!!!)

I ACTUALLY GOT A “MORAL TO THE STORY”!!

All of the men have a STRONG advantage in this competition!!!!

Women are the FOCAL point of ANY dance.

As you would know from my earlier post about men dancing…

So with the understanding that women are the focal point of the dance…the men are dancing with PROFESSIONAL women dancers!

Hell, I thought 80 year old Buzz Aldrin did a damn good job, but the reality is…he pretty much just stood there , like he was getting a lap dance or something!! His partner did a great job, bless her heart!! You know she was hoping for that General Hospital dude!!! But NOPE, you get 80 year old, Buzz!!

Then you get the GAY guys, and they have a DOUBLE ADVANTAGE!!

Like the Ice Skater dude!! COME ON!!! LIKE THAT’S FAIR!!

ANYWAY, MY REALIZATION…..

ANY DUDE…NO MATTER HOW BIG A LOSER….JUST LOOKS BETTER WITH A GOOD WOMAN ON HIS ARM!!

SO IF YOUR A LOSER, AND YOU GOT  A LOSER GIRL…DUMP HER AND GET A HONEY…YOUR LIFE WILL BE SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!

DEAR COLT

MARCH 15, 2009

YOUR VISIT TO US WAS WAY TOO SHORT

BUT I COULDN’T IMAGINE LOVING YOU ANYMORE THAN I DO

I MISS YOU EVERYDAY

EVERY DAY I SPEND WITH COOPER, I MISS YOU MORE

WHEN HE DOES SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME, I REALIZE I WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FIRST TIME

WHEN I SEE HIM SWING A BAT AND HIT BALLS OFF OF THE TEE, I REALIZE I WILL NEVER SEE YOU PLAY BASEBALL

ALTHOUGH IT MAKES EVERDAY MORE SPECIAL WITH COOPER, IT ALSO MAKES ME ACHE TO PLAY WITH YOU

YOU LOOKED JUST LIKE COOPER WHEN HE WAS BORN, SO I ALWAYS SEE YOU IN HIS EYES, IN HIS SMILE, IN HIS LAUGH

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY SHORTSTOP

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY #45

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLT

Addison Alynn Akers can be the most demanding, bossy, willful, little girl I have ever seen!

She can torment her brothers to the extent that I have to step into to preserve her safety!!

Her 1 1/2 year old brother is already almost her size, and can open up his own little tuna – sized can of whoop ass on her!

So, her very existence hangs in the balance at  every turn!

HOWEVER…..

60 seconds later, she can transform herself into the very definition of sweetness!

Recently, Addie and I were riding in the Bronco, and she was telling me how much she loved going to her Granny’s house. She said she is so glad she moved closer to us, so Granny could come to our house to visit more often.

Then she asked me if she could still go to Granny’s house when she is older, “of course”, I told her.

“Even when I’m a mommy?” she persisted, “Sure” I replied. She was getting rather upset at the thought that she might not be able to hang out with Granny when she grows up!

I wanted to assure her further, so I told her “When you grow up Granny can come to YOUR house and visit, too.”

NOPE! Wrong thing to say!!

“MY house?” she added, as her voice quivered, ”You mean I’m NOT gonna live with my FAMILY?”

“Your gonna live with your PRINCE when you grow up!” I tried to help.

AND THEN…

HER GEM THAT WILL KEEP HER ALIVE A BIT LONGER….

“BUT DADDY! YOUR MY PRINCE!!”

YES I AM…AND YOU CAN LIVE WITH ME AS LONG AS YOU WANT!!

PROBABLY GONNA REGRET THAT STATEMENT IN 25 YEARS!!!

I CAN SEE IT NOW…..

Addie and her 4 kids living with us, and her PARTNER moving in after we get her divorce finalized, which proved rather difficult with him in prison and all…

As I started to say, at 45, I have settled into my two sport world! FOOTBALL, (THE AMERICAN VERSION!!) & BASEBALL. I think I love both of these because of the complete oppositeness of them!

Yep, oppositeness…it’s a Ricism! I love football for the ANGER, VIOLENCE, ONE ON ONE DOMINANCE!  While baseball is FINESSE, ANTICIPATION, ART!

Nothing polarizes men like FOOTBALL…seriously…not even religion or politics! Men will be more accepting of your differences in religious beliefs, they will even forgive you if you are a Dumocrat…but try bashing the SEC in the comments section of this post, and you will get to meet  my redneck brother, brother in law, cousins, nephews, friends…might even meet some of my nieces!! 

I know….there are other sports that offer that violence….and don’t get me wrong, I like UFC, Pride, and those fighting sports, those guys deserve ultimate respect for what they do. My Brother in Law, and personal Tattooist, Brian Foster(www.fosterfights.com), is into that stuff, and they put up levels of commitment that I can’t even begin to FATHOM!! They live their lives in a dicotomy…they insanely train & nurture their bodies, then…they abuse the shit out of them!!

I used to love basketball! I spent several years coaching basketball, and trying to learn every aspect….but much like Tequilla was ruined by that one incident with the worm, basketball was ruined by that one incident with the BOOKIE!!

There is also soccer… which is just hockey for kids who can’t skate or fight!! I’ve never been much for soccer, it seems to me like it was invented by a lazy PE teacher. “Here’s a ball class, go kick it around….”

Let’s see….what else is there….OH! Golf! I love golf, but is it really a sport…or a game? I don’t really know, but I do find it hard to refer to John Daley as an athlete, even jokingly! I have also played with Fuzzy Zoeller, NOT an athlete, maybe alcoholic, but NOT athlete!!

HMMMM….I have NEVER lost money during baseball or football season…could there be a correlation?

I first want to relate some of my experiences with Law Enforcement (ham). I have had about every reaction imaginable, from anger, remorse, calm, humorous, and shockingly enough…smart ass! You should be able to glean from my experiences what tactics are best, when interacting with Law Enforcement (bacon).

I will start with my favorite encounter. Several years ago, while Jen was working for New York & Co., she had to travel once a month to New York or Florida. This was in the time of RHD! RHD is the time before Addie and Cooper, and refers to Riley’s Happiest Days! Anyway, I was driving Jen to the airport, when, that all to familiar site popped up in the rearview. Yep, it was The Baconator! I pulled over, he walked up and tapped on the window. I never roll the window down before they tap, I like to make ‘em tap… it reminds me of CHIP’S! What a great show!! Ponch was a STUD!! Anyway, they always start with one of two approaches:

1. Do you know how fast you were going? (never say – “Duh, of course, I have a speedometer right here!”)

2. Where are you going in such a hurry? (another no no: “Dunkin Donuts, wanna come?”)

The Baconator came with #2! “Where are you going in such a hurry?” So I responded truthfully, “I’m taking my wife to the airport, you’d be speeding too!” He laughed and I saved myself $75, but not the disdain of my wife. But she was gone all weekend, so it was all good!

Another learning experience for me came many, many years ago while I was in the Air Force.  Some friends and I were trying to get into this club, and apparently we did not fit the requirements to enter. We were a little too vocal in our disdain. There was member of the local Law Enforcement (SUUUUIIII!) working the door. In his defense, he very calmly tried to difuse the situation, while at the same time letting us know that we were not gaining entrance. He gave us every opportunity to leave. Then my YOUTH, and INEXPERIENCE spoke up. I questioned the officers masculinity, and quickly got an excellent learning experience! After learning what it was like to be CUFFED & STUFFED,  I got to experience the back seat of a squad car…it was pretty cool, except for the smell of urine and vomit. I then got a free room for the night, that I got to share with the big Indian dude from “ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST”! It was actually quite terrifying! All of the stories about jail run through your mind. Luckily I left the next morning with my virginity still intact! So obviously, this is an example of “SMART ASSNESS”, and is definitely not the best tactic to use when dealing with Johnny Law!

Whatever happened to those “good ole boy” Alabama “coppers” that just took your beer?

There was also the time I tried to make myself cry…couldn’t do it! Besides, this really is only gonna work for women, I think if a cop taps on the window of a blubbering dude, he might pull him out of the car and go Rodney King on him, just cause!

I am gonna cut out many, many, many, many other examples for brevity, as well as the fact that my Mom is one of my two Blog Fan’s!!

But, the biggest thing to remember…these guys are just trying to do their job! If the municipality that they work for is financially solvent, your odds of getting a warning increase drastically. If not…well….like my daddy used to say, “if you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band” or in this case…”The Man”!!

So, in summary, the best approach is to just DEAL WITH IT!!  Your most likely gonna get a ticket! It really just matters how badly the government of that particular Law Enforcement (porkchops) entity is mismanaged!!

Oh…I almost forgot…after the Fatback gives you your ticket….ABSOLUTELY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SAY “THANK YOU”!!

Happy Motoring, and STAY OUT OF MY WAY!!!

We spent alot of time around food today!

First, we went to the gym, they have a great daycare, as well as a VERY good cafe, Life Cafe. Anyway, after workout, we grab lunch, and our discussions turned to food, as they often do in our household!!!

3 year olds want to know EVERYTHING!! And I have always been a big proponent of giving knowledge! I however, may need to adjust my answers, they may not be as “age appropriate” as they could be.

As I said previously, she wants to know everything, and begins to wonder where our food comes from. Particularly, the chicken nuggets on her plate had her extremely curious. She had not yet made the connection between CHICKEN nugget, and the cute little chickens that are portrayed so cutely on cartoons, and in children’s literature.

THE LIGHT BULB WENT OFF!!

SHE DID NOT FINISH THEM!

Later, our errands led us to Costco. We had serious grocery shopping to do. We tend to put that off until we have NOTHING!!

Then we walk around Costco with two carts stacked 2 feet over the top of the basket. I can hear the other patrons whispering…..”do you think they are ‘polygamists’?” ….”WOW! I wonder if they are stocking their food storage room?” (that’s Mormon humor for you “out of staters”!)

ANYWAY!!! So after Addison’s barnyard revelation earlier at the Life Cafe, she now has begun to question every item that goes in the cart.

And then we get to the Meat Department… I began to load the cart up with all of the precious carnage, I like to call BEEF! If you have not learned this about me by now…I am a slow learner, so I told her where beef came from…

Now she has begun to question what kind of father I was…I allowed these animals to be killed so I could eat them, AND I WAS FEEDING THEM TO HER!! I’m not kidding, she was APPALLED!!

Addison – “But, Daddy, don’t they cry when they are killed?”

I ACTUALLY SAID THIS:

Me – “No, Honey, they WANT us to eat them!”

This is no joke, she was on the verge of TEARS!! BEGGING me, NO….DEMANDING….That I promise that I would not eat cows and chickens anymore.

ANYONE GOT ANY IDEA’S ON WHAT I CAN CALL CHICKEN NUGGETS NOW?

TOFU NUGGETS?

We left Salt Lake yesterday, early afternoon. We were met by the limo for the Mirage, where we stayed!! Jen’s uncle is a big “player” in Vegas, and gets us hook ups all the time!! He scored again, and got us a HUGE suite!

After we got to the suite and got ready, it was off to The Foundation Room for candlelights, cocktails, and dinner! The Foundation Room is a Private Club of the House of Blues. Last time we were there, we saw Steven Tyler! It is an awesome experience!!

After The Foundation Room, we headed to the Cirque du Soleil Elvis!! The show was FABULOUS!!! If you are an Elvis fan this is a must!!!

NOW LET ME BE PERFECTLY CLEAR…..NONE OF THAT HAPPENED!! IT IS ALL LIES!!! EXCEPT THAT JEN’S UNCLE IS A PLAYER, AND WE DID SEE STEVEN TYLER LAST TIME WE WERE THERE!! BUT BEYOND THAT…ALL LIES!!

HERE IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!

5:15  PM – Jen just got home from work and loaded Cooper & Riley up and dropped Riley off at the High School for weight training. Then she headed home to shower!

5:20 PM – Addison and I headed off to dance class

5:45 PM – Dance class begins

6:45 PM – Left Dance, headed to pick up Riley. Stopped to pick up pizza, Crazy Bread, & rootbeer for Granny & kids

7:30 PM – Arrive HOME!

7:45 PM – Leave for steak dinner at Madeline’s

8:10 PM – Arrive at Madeline’s

9:10 PM – Leave Madelines for Barnes & Noble

9:20 PM – Arrive at Barnes & Noble, Jen gets a cup of cream & milk with a dash of coffee, I get an esspresso. We chat and rummage through books.

10:15 – Head HOME! YEP….You read that right, we headed HOME!!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO US!!

WE WENT HOME!!

I KNOW WE ARE KINDA ON A BUDGET RIGHT NOW, BUT REALLY…..HOME???

BUT THAT VEGAS THING WOULD’VE BEEN FUN, HUH?

TONIGHT

I WAS ADRIFT IN THE BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS…

IN THIS COVE

 …ON THIS SHIP

                                                                                            …IN THIS LUXURIOUS BED….

………CONTEMPLATING!!!!!!!

WEDDING DAY EVE!!!

THE BEGINNINGS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP OFFERED NO INDICATION OF THINGS TO COME!

WE WERE A CASUAL COUPLE TO SAY THE LEAST, WE WERE EACH OTHERS “FUN” DATE.

WHEN WE HAD A PARTY TO GO TO, OR SOMETHING, WE WERE THE ONE TO ASK….

WE WERE EACH OTHERS “AFTER PARTY”! SHE WAS MY CALL WHEN WE GOT BACK FROM….WHEREVER… AND I WAS HER’S!!

WE WERE THE COUPLE VOTED ‘MOST LIKELY TO FAIL”…..I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE I HAVEN’T SEEN IN ALONG TIME, THEY ARE ALWAYS SHOCKED TO FIND WE ARE STILL TOGETHER, IT MAKES ME LAUGH!!! 

BUT WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS, AND THE REST JUST FELL INTO PLACE.

I’D LOVE TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU ABOUT OUR “SUPER ROMANTIC” PROPOSAL…

BUT THE REALITY IS, IT SOOOOO WASN’T ROMANTIC…IT WAS “HEY, WHY DON’T WE JUST GET MARRIED?” ……”OK!”

BUT 16 YEARS LATER, SHE STILL MAKES ME LAUGH, AND SHE STILL MAKES ME….WELL….YOU KNOW!!!

THANK YOU JEN, FOR ALL THE GOODTIMES, AND STICKING AROUND DURING THE SHITTY ONES!!

YOU KNOW, I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH ALOT OF PEOPLE, BUT THE KEY TO SUCCESS, IS TO MARRY THE PERSON WHO MAKES YOU A BETTER PERSON. THE PERSON THAT JERRY MAGUIRE SAYS “COMPLETES YOU”. 

THE GREAT POET, MEATLOAF SAID….”SO I SWORE ON THE BIBLE AND MY MOTHERS GRAVE, THAT I’D LOVE HER TILL THE END OF TIME! SOOOOOO NOW I’M PRAYING FOR THE END OF TIME, CAUSE IF I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE WITH HER, I DON’T THINK THAT I COULD REALLY SURVIVE!”

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO MARRY POORLY!!

I must say, when I first approached Jen on this one, I wasn’t sure of the reaction… Here’s how it started, “Umm, Baby, umm, you know Spring Training is coming up, and, umm, I was thinking I could pack up Addie and Riley, and head down for the weekend???”

Jen: “When and Where is it?”

Me: “Ummm, its in Mesquite over Valentines weekend, and, umm, we’ll be staying at the Virgin River Casino & Hotel.” I said this, wincing, waiting to unfurl my perfectly logical, well planned justification speech!

Jen: “You don’t need to take Addie, just go, have a boys weekend!”

Me: “                 ???” BAMM!!!! (that’s me being speechless!!! followed by the sound of my jaw hitting the floor!!!)

So my wonderful wife kept the little kids over Valentines weekend…all alone…ok so her mom came and helped, but still….this was huge! First we have never been apart for Valentines day. Not that we really celebrate VDay too much anyway… our Anniversary is 4 days later on Feb 18th. But still… Secondly, we were staying at a Casino, and if anyone knows my wife, she is 1/4 Japanese, and Asians LOVE a good Casino!!! She is not one to pass up a chance to gamble!!

So off we went, and at first I really felt guilty, and I thought I wasn’t even gonna be able to enjoy the weekend. But after running some rationalizations through my head, I was able to convince myself that we DESERVED it!! And whenever I talked with Jen on the phone, she was great! So I let go of the guilt and soaked up the SUN!!!

Riley was an only child up until he was about 12. That is along time to get all the attention of your parents, so when Addison came along, followed shortly by Cooper, his life changed DRAMATICALLY!!! So really for the last 4 1/2 years I have not been able to spend that COMPLETELY one  on one time with him. I know, Addison is not quite 4 years old, so why has it been 4 1/2 years, instead of 3?

 Because you have to factor in “Pregnant Wife” time… As any man knows, a pregnant wife is WAAAAAY more demanding and DANGEROUS, than any newborn, terrible two year old, or toddler!!! You have to be EXTREMELY careful around a prego! I mean you can leave for work, and she could lose it, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!” Or you could try to be thoughtful and surprise her by buying her that new Bare Essentials makeup that she has been talking about, and all the sudden, “YOU THINK I’M UGLY!!!!” Or you make a comment about how you love her ‘baby belly”, and BAM! “YOU THINK I’M FAT!!!”  Anyway, you get the point… that is where the other 6 or 7 months comes into play!!

So, back to my fun weekend…Baseball & Riley… And of course all of the other baseball dads, I have met over the last 10 or 11 years! Mulling around drinking coffee, spittin’ sunflower seeds, talkin’ about baseball. I was happy as a fat kid at Dylans Candy Bar!! (if you don’t know what that is, check it out: dylanscandybar.com)

And what really struck me, was at the end of the day, instead of Riley heading off to hang with one of the hundreds of friends he has made over the years though baseball, he just wanted to hang out with ME!!!

“          ???” BAM (speechless, jaw drop)

That is what made the weekend great, sure the sun was great, sure the 70 degree weather was great, yes, it was great to hang out at the ballfields without having to worry about kids, and chat up all the other dads, but that was the absolute highlight. It was like it was when he was 8 years old.  We just hung out in the room and watched the Olympics and just talked about whatever!

Now I realized this is the age I always looked forward too, and now its here, and it sucks! I miss him being little. I miss our days at Murray Golf Course driving range, I miss our days taking grounders and hitting wiffle balls  at the little baseball field by Glenmoor Golf course. He was always trying to hit the ball out of that little park…then we had to stop going there cause he could, and he was losing all my balls. I miss the nights when we would have to pick Jen up at the mall late at night, and he would practice pitching againsts the brick wall, trying to hit the metal cover of  the fire hose hook up, over and over and over….Jen was always late getting off work!!!

I am so proud of him, and I am so happy that my two little test tube babies are still young, cause now I know….not to wish there lives away, savor everyday. It was a blessing in disquise that we had to wait so long for them!

I can’t wait to take Cooper and Addie to the little baseball field by Glenmoor Golf course…DAMN!!! THERE I GO AGAIN!!!!