A Family in Chaos

I know most of you have not had the experience dealing with members of Law Enforcement (pork) that I have had, so I wanted to educate you on the best ways to approach the impending knock on your window…

I first want to relate some of my experiences with Law Enforcement (ham). I have had about every reaction imaginable, from anger, remorse, calm, humorous, and shockingly enough…smart ass! You should be able to glean from my experiences what tactics are best, when interacting with Law Enforcement (bacon).

I will start with my favorite encounter. Several years ago, while Jen was working for New York & Co., she had to travel once a month to New York or Florida. This was in the time of RHD! RHD is the time before Addie and Cooper, and refers to Riley’s Happiest Days! Anyway, I was driving Jen to the airport, when, that all to familiar site popped up in the rearview. Yep, it was The Baconator! I pulled over, he walked up and tapped on the window. I never roll the window down before they tap, I like to make ‘em tap… it reminds me of CHIP’S! What a great show!! Ponch was a STUD!! Anyway, they always start with one of two approaches:

1. Do you know how fast you were going? (never say – “Duh, of course, I have a speedometer right here!”)

2. Where are you going in such a hurry? (another no no: “Dunkin Donuts, wanna come?”)

The Baconator came with #2! “Where are you going in such a hurry?” So I responded truthfully, “I’m taking my wife to the airport, you’d be speeding too!” He laughed and I saved myself $75, but not the disdain of my wife. But she was gone all weekend, so it was all good!

Another learning experience for me came many, many years ago while I was in the Air Force.  Some friends and I were trying to get into this club, and apparently we did not fit the requirements to enter. We were a little too vocal in our disdain. There was member of the local Law Enforcement (SUUUUIIII!) working the door. In his defense, he very calmly tried to difuse the situation, while at the same time letting us know that we were not gaining entrance. He gave us every opportunity to leave. Then my YOUTH, and INEXPERIENCE spoke up. I questioned the officers masculinity, and quickly got an excellent learning experience! After learning what it was like to be CUFFED & STUFFED,  I got to experience the back seat of a squad car…it was pretty cool, except for the smell of urine and vomit. I then got a free room for the night, that I got to share with the big Indian dude from “ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST”! It was actually quite terrifying! All of the stories about jail run through your mind. Luckily I left the next morning with my virginity still intact! So obviously, this is an example of “SMART ASSNESS”, and is definitely not the best tactic to use when dealing with Johnny Law!

Whatever happened to those “good ole boy” Alabama “coppers” that just took your beer?

There was also the time I tried to make myself cry…couldn’t do it! Besides, this really is only gonna work for women, I think if a cop taps on the window of a blubbering dude, he might pull him out of the car and go Rodney King on him, just cause!

I am gonna cut out many, many, many, many other examples for brevity, as well as the fact that my Mom is one of my two Blog Fan’s!!

But, the biggest thing to remember…these guys are just trying to do their job! If the municipality that they work for is financially solvent, your odds of getting a warning increase drastically. If not…well….like my daddy used to say, “if you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band” or in this case…”The Man”!!

So, in summary, the best approach is to just DEAL WITH IT!!  Your most likely gonna get a ticket! It really just matters how badly the government of that particular Law Enforcement (porkchops) entity is mismanaged!!

Oh…I almost forgot…after the Fatback gives you your ticket….ABSOLUTELY, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SAY “THANK YOU”!!

Happy Motoring, and STAY OUT OF MY WAY!!!